Heart & Soul publishes a newsletter. You will find some of our newsletters and articles in this section. Executive Director, Tina Calabrese, LCSW is also a writer. You may find some of her published material in this section as well.
DEFENSE MECHANISMS by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R
Dr. Sigmund Freud was the first to identify that we protect our hearts and minds from anxiety and conflict by certain behaviors that are unconscious or unknown. These behaviors he called defense mechanisms. Just like the physical body has an immune system to protect the body from being harmed the mind creates disguises to help you function even though there is deep fear and pain. The interesting thing is that you are not aware of the disguise many times. The disguise although not who are may become who you think you are. Here you can see why psychotherapy is so important!
Because these behaviors are unconscious we are not aware of them unless someone points them out or if they become a barrier to being close in a relationship. It is important to learn what your defenses are. The goal is not to remove them—would you want to remove your immune system? What is more helpful is to realize when you need them and when you do not. That is the key. In order to grow and evolve you need to allow some of your anxiety and feelings to the surface. Becoming aware of your defenses and when you need them will help you grow and become healthier in relationships. Lets look at some common defenses that may pop up when you feel threatened, afraid, hurt or traumatized. Blaming others or projection. This is a way for the mind to deflect uncomfortable negative parts of you onto another. For example you may say a friend of yours is passive aggressive when its really you that are that way but you are not able to admit to that perhaps because of fears of rejection or abandonment.
Intellectualizing. This is when you go to your head and think and reason rather than feel your emotions. This may happen due to a fear of being vulnerable perhaps in your past when you were open and vulnerable you were hurt.
Joking. A common defense to take the focus off the uncomfortable realities that you may need to deal with.
Denial. This happens when the reality of a situation to too hard to bear and you make it untrue.
Displacement. This is when you are angry at your boss but you go home and take it out on your family. Its important to deal directly with who you are upset with.
Rationalization. Finding a legitimate excuse for your unacceptable behaviors.
Sublimation. This is a healthy defense whereby you put anxious energies into art, work or something constructive.
Dissociation. This is a common defense mechanism that results from child abuse and trauma. It is basically the experience of feeling as if you are out of your body. The mind sharply cuts you off and protects you from overwhelming anxiety and emotional pain by literally taking you away. This is why when someone is traumatized that may not fully remember the incident.
Repression. This also occurs from trauma and especially child abuse. The younger you are when the abuse occurs the more you will repress because defense mechanisms are not in place. Repression just means that you store an uncomfortable and painful memory that causes much anxiety into the basement or the attic of your mind. It is as if the memory is in your computer saved somewhere and like often happens you forget it’s there. In psychotherapy as you slowly face you fears the memory may resurface so you can face it and heal from it.
Idealization. This is when you see someone in your life as too great and wonderful. You idealize the person in order to not feel the anxiety of this person being NOT to wonderful. This can happen when you were abused by a parent, priest or professional.
Introjection. This is the experience whereby the anger and/or hatred for someone who hurt you is taking out on yourself. It is the opposite of projection when you put the anger onto someone else. Introjection can cause suicidal feelings and depression.
Identification. This is when you become like someone in your life as a way to protect yourself. Remember it is unconscious so you may not realize that you did become like your mother or father.
Please consider exploring your defense mechanisms in therapy. Everyone has them and everyone uses them. There is no shame in having ways to protect yourself from harm. Try to not be defensive if you are told by someone or your therapist that you have these defense mechanisms.
Remember that it will help you to learn about yourself and how your mind works. When we are told by medical doctors about issues relating to our bodies there is no judgment and it doesn’t reflect on how we feel about ourselves or our self esteem. If you can deal with your mind and your heart in the same way you will learn and grow and you may even be happier in your relationships!
FEBRUARY 2009 AMERICA IN CRISIS: HOW YOU CAN HELP By Tina Calabrese, LCSW
America is still a young country and like a young child or business it still needs to learn how to prosper while taking care of its people. The past few years have taught us many lessons. Perhaps the biggest lesson has to do with what really lasts in life. You’ve heard the saying “you can’t take it with you,” but what is it you can take? The memories. The feeling. The moments you treasure. The selflessness of sharing your heart, money and even your life. The Greek philosopher Socrates started a revolution and a lot of trouble by going around town and asking questions like: What is courage? What is country? What is love? He made people think.
You can help America and yourself by analyzing your relationship to money, to others and to your life. Consider learning how to respect, share control and power and most importantly how to hold onto a delicate balance of attachment and non attachment.
Here are some practical ideas to support these philosophies. Identify strengths and weakness in your relationship to money, others and self care Ask yourself what it is that makes you happy and feel that you are a good American and person then do that Take risks start a practice or business, support socially responsible capitalism Help others emotionally, financially and spiritually Keep yourself healthy in mind, body and spirit Consider what makes you proud of America and support that. Question authority, debate and get involved with political issues.
Remembers our founders were revolutionaries, rebels and passionate thinkers. Their spirit is our foundation. Make them proud.
KEEPING YOUR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL HEART HEALTHY By Tina Calabrese, LCSW
Recent medical studies have shown that the physical heart needs good food like olive oil, fish, nuts and seeds, vegetables, fruits as well as stress reduction, relaxation, exercise, laughter and fun.
As we grow older it is important to pay attention to our bodies and to know what makes it feel good and what doesn’t. When I swim daily eat vegetables and less carbohydrates I feel my best. Try to have more of a consciousness when you are planning meals and even when you are eating. Think about what you are putting into your body and how that might effect it. Certain foods also can cause emotional distress like candy and sweets that effect your sugar levels.
If you tune into your body you will find what foods are best for you and what aren’t. You may also crave foods that you need at a given time. You may feel like having potatoes if you need potassium or eggs if you need protein. Your body is amazing and if you allow your mind to communicate with it you will be surprised at how well balanced your energy levels are.
We all know how difficult it is at times to take care of ourselves. No one is perfect yet if most of the time you take care of your heart with eating well and exercising you will allow your loved ones many more years with you. Also remember that you are a role model and your children will imitate you no matter what they say they will. You teach them the most through your actions. They will pick up your eating habits and addictions.
Your emotional heart needs care too. Suppressing emotions of hurt, grief and anger can cause depression and panic. Learn how to identify your emotions and share them, write them out and analyze them so that you can let them go.
Identify what emotionally triggers you and what wounds need to be healed from the past. If you do not heal these wounds you carry them around like a bag of sand around your heart. It effects your ability to be close to others and to have a healthy relationship. Repressed anger especially can cause great emotional distress. If there is unresolved anger from trauma it will cause symptoms of lethargy, apathy and even suicidal thoughts and feelings.
The emotional heart is a powerful force it helps us to feel great love and therefore great pain. It is a part of you that needs attention just like the physical heart and if you neglect it there may be consequences to your physical heart like added stress and tension and even stress related illnesses. Keeping both your physical and emotional heart healthy is a key to overall health and success in your life. How you treat yourself can be a reflection of how you treat others and the world in general. The healthy heart pumps blood and gives life. The emotional heart helps you color in your life by feeling love.
Reference Brody, Janee, “New Thinking on How To Protect The Heart,” NY Times 1/17/09
EMPATHY By Tina Calabrese, LCSW June 2007
Empathy is th emotional experience of feeling sad, mad or scared along with someone else. It is an identification with another's situation so much so that you care what happens to them. You do not need to have exactly the same experience you only need to relate it to something you went through. Actors call it method acting. The Russian director Stanislavski called it affective memory. Aristotle spoke of combining pity and fear to create catharsis. You may not have lived through hurricane Katrina but you may identify when you lost something that felt secure or you may imagine how it feels to lose your home and pet. To think of the emotional experience of another human being is not only healthy but ethical. We live in a society where personal looks and things matter so much that we can lose a sense of what is really important. What is really important is to think of others and try to help when and if you can. Not allowing an emotional distance or separation from others allows you to not separate out parts of yourself you may not like. So empathy is not only good for mental health it is essential for the human race to coexist in a world without violence and hate.
A lack of empathy leads people to hurt others. If you feel what that other is feeling they become a part of you and its harder to hate them.
Practice empathy and your world may feel more compassionate. Remember we can do together what we cannot do alone.
ON THE RECOVERY FRONT By mlr 7/06
The Little Girl Sat on the Stoop By mlr 7/06
The little girl sat slumped on the sun setting stoop, grateful for the day's anguishing pain to be over.
The fervently wished for deliverance would come with the morrow's sunrise promise
of smiles,
and laughter,
and love.
The little girl sat on the stoop.
Decades would expire till that now-woman, having wrentched the searing grief of the sunrise betrayal from her soul; abandons the stoop -
to set forth into her own
DAWN.
The Eternal Question By mlr 9/06
The question in not the hand-wringing
of 'WHY.' The 'WHY' is 'HOW' we arrived here.
The inquiry must address,
'How then..........
NOW?'
Narcissism and Romance
By Tina Calabrese, LCSW Executive Director at Heart & Soul
Narcissism is a complex idea. The idea is about being so self absorbed that it is difficult to see, feel or depend on another human being. Our American culture has reinforced narcissism by selling a message that you can have everything you want and that you need to think of yourself first. Capitalism drives a belief that money and things can solve problems, make you happy and get you the best looking partner you can have. The problem with these current cultural beliefs is that it clashes with reality and with romance and mature relationships. It is important to take care of yourself and have self esteem. It is most important to be assertive and know your needs. It is equally important however to take care of your partner and know their needs and to sometimes think more about them than yourself. This does not mean sacrificing or abandoning yourself. There is a sense in our society that you can be entitled to have a relationship on your terms and your terms only. There is an idea that a relationship can be expendable that you can just go on to the next person much like "Sex in the City" or a match dot com mentality. There is an illusion that if you are not a completely whole and healthy person that you cannot have a good relationship. No. Not true. I do believe in romantic love. Its wonderful if you are in love with the person you choose to spend your life with. As time goes on you may begin to see or feel things about your love that annoy you, are negative or that you wish they would change. You can discuss these issues and point them out but it does not mean your love will change. As long as these issues ARE NOT ABUSIVE or harmful to you, you may need to accept them and grow into liking them as idiosynchronicities. Another idea that involves narcissism and intimacy is the concept that you can be very independent and still have a close relationship. You don't have to need the other. This is a false concept. A big part of having someone to love is to depend on them and to need them at times. It is not healthy of course to be dependent but it is healthy to rely on and trust that your love will be there for you no matter what. It is important to have a mutual love bond in which neither you nor your love runs away when times get tough. Healthy relationships include moments when both can be a little child and lean on the other. When there is not a level of narcissism or withdrawal (emotional or physical) in a relationship the couple can adopt problem solving mechanisms of compromising, improving communication, validation and acceptance of each other's differentness. A good relationship creates an emotional comfort zone so that you can feel free to feel and express without the risk of your love leaving or shaming you. Over time you can feel like you can say or share anything and that your love is also your best friend. Remember that if you experience an unhealthy or abusive/neglectful relationship with a parent there is a tendency to go back to that to be attracted to that in order to re-experience it and fix it. This doesn't work. Therapy does. Be aware of your choices and mostly of your own behaviors. The mind tends to try to repair itself much like the immune system does. While your love relationship should create an emotional and psychological environment for healing and repair it cannot do all the work and it cannot take all the pressure. Being compassionate and empathetic toward your love is very important and essential for a long lasting union. To disconnect either emotionally or physically when your love needs you is a clear way to deaden the love bond. If this continues over time and your love begins to expect you not to be there the relationship has basically ended. Being in love and keeping love takes effort. Just like you take care of your pet, your garden and your children on a daily basis you need to take care of your love. You need to remain special to each other to make each other feel like there is never anyone else you desire or want. Minimize the negative and magnify the positive. Most importantly do not think only of yourself and do not allow yourself to be unloved or have the experience of your partner not being able to receive your love. Stay in the love state as much as you can tolerate. The tragedy is that so many people are unable to be loved and stay with love so they fill up on things and food and drugs and having more children and more gadjets and obsessions.
The key to staying in love and having a healthy relationship is to remain emotionally involved with your partner, to see and feel your love, to depend, to affirm, to nurture and to allow in love for yourself.
As my favorite Beatle said "All You Need Is Love."
Reference Solomon, Marion F., "Narcissism and Intimacy" W.W. Norton & Co, Inc. 1999.
ETHICS
By Tina Calabrese, LCSW
ETHICS: WHEN YOU DO THE RIGHT THING DON’T YOU FEEL GOOD? IN KURT VONNEGOUT’S NEW BOOK, MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY, HE TALKS ABOUT THE DISCONNECT BETWEEN MORAL AND ETHICAL PRACTICE, POLITICS AND THE CURRENT AMERICAN CULTURE. RECENTLY THERE WAS AN UPROAR OVER LIES IN JAMES FREY’S BOOK, ONE MILLION PIECES. POLLS SHOW THAT MOST AMERICANS ARE NO LONGER TRUSTING THEIR GOVERNMENT’S ABILITY TO TAKE CARE OF THEM ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO HEALTH CARE. TELLING THE TRUTH IS PART OF BEING ETHICAL ALONG WITH TRYING TO BE A GOOD PERSON. DURING LATENCY AGE OR PUBERTY MORAL DEVELOPMENT BEGINS AND WE ARE TAUGHT WHAT IS RIGHT AND WHAT IS WRONG. PEOPLE WHO HAVE DEVELOPED A SUPEREGO OR A MORAL COMPASS CAN FEEL A DEEP SENSE OF DOING THE RIGHT THING. THERE ARE HOWEVER SITUATIONS IN WHICH THERE ARE TEMPTATIONS, MOTIVES FOR REVENGE AND JUST DISPLACED ANGER THAT MAKES PEOPLE BECOME UNETHICAL. ITS EASIEST TO SEE THIS WITH CORPORATIONS. WE HAVE SEEN HOW THEY HAVE NOT THOUGHT ABOUT THEIR EMPLOYEES AND HAVE OPTED FOR GREED. ITS HARDER TO SEE IN OURSELVES AND OUR INTIMATE OTHERS. IT IS IMPORTANT TO TAKE AN ETHICAL INVENTORY AND TO EVALUATE THE PSYCHOLOGICAL COSTS FOR BEINIG UNETHICAL. UNETHICAL BEHAVIORS CAN CAUSE DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND PARANOIA. THIS CAN ULTIMATELY AFFECT PHYSICAL HEALTH AND WELL BEING. IF YOU TRY YOUR BEST TO BE A GOOD AND HONEST PERSON YOU WON’T HAVE UNNECESSARY GUILT OR ANGER AT YOURSELF.
HERE ARE SOME SITUATIONS YOU MIGHT FIND YOURSELF IN THAT MAY CAUSE YOU TO TAKE AN ETHICAL INVENTORY. A FRIEND TELLS YOU SOMETHING IN CONFIDENCE. A DIFFERENT FRIEND STARTS TALKING ABOUT THAT FRIEND AND WANTS TO KNOW WHAT SHE TOLD YOU. THE URGE MAY BE TO PLEASE THE FRIEND THAT IS ASKING THE QUESTION BUT THE ETHICAL THING IS TO NOT BREAK THE OTHER FRIEND’S CONFIDENCE. ETHICAL DILEMMA’S OFTEN OCCUR OVER MONEY AS WELL. LET’S SAY YOU ‘RE A CONTRACTOR AND YOU ARE WORKING FOR A COMPANY THAT HELPED TRAIN YOU. A HOMEOWNER THAT YOU ARE WORKING FOR ASKS YOU TO DO ANOTHER JOB BY YOURSELF SO THE COST WOULD BE LOWER. THE TEMPTATION IS THERE TO MAKE THE MONEY ON YOUR OWN YET THIS JOB WAS THROUGH YOUR COMPANY AND NOT THROUGH YOUR OWN BUSINESS. THE ETHICAL THING TO DO WOULD BE TO TELL THE HOMEOWNER THAT YOU CANNOT DO THE JOB ON YOUR OWN. THE MANIFESTATIONS OF HATE ARE ALSO UNETHICAL. REPORTING A FRIEND FOR ABUSING THEIR CHILD IS PUTTING THE CHILD FIRST AND IS THE ETHICAL THING TO DO. UNETHICAL BEHAVIORS HAVE A WAY OF EVENTUALLY SHOWING THEMSELVES EITHER BY PEOPLE FINDING OUT OR BY THE PERSON’S OWN GUILT CAUSING A REACTION. THINK THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS AND REACTIONS IN COMPLEX SITUATIONS AND MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.
Editors Note: this article was published by the National Association of Social Workers Suffolk County Division 2002. Reprinted by permission.
Terrorist Groups: Those Who Sign On By Tina Calabrese, LCSW
Terrorist groups exist because there are people who join them. The people who choose to take part in these organizations are of utmost importance in the study of terrorism. Terrorist cells have been compared to cult groups. Many cults in America have ended in mass suicides, taking their group beliefs tot he final stage of their lives. The main difference between between cults and terrorist cells is that terrorists are often homicidal as well as hypnotized by a charismatic, narcissistic leader. Research snd study have found that the person who joins a terrorist group is most likely male, depressed, dependent and deeply frustrated and unfulfilled. Many have "religionized" politics and found a desperate way out of their harsh day to day realities.
For these men a chance to be part of a mission in the name of God is both appealing and invigorating. Their depression, which often includes feelings of hopelessness, is now trancended into belief in eternal paradise and spitiual approval. This experience can feel like a drug to a depressed person. Depression is responsible for 75% of suicides and we have come to know suicidal depression as a desperate pain; yet it can also be an experience of jubilation and resignation. The "drug" of the terrorists' mission also alienates them from the reality of a murderous rage. They rationalize killing and scaring others to such an extreme that they ultimately see it as truth. They become so dependent on their leader that an enmeshment of idealogy is present and they lose all sense of individuality. THey believe it is their destiny to die for their group and their leader and not to fear death because they will be rewarded in the afterlife, paradise.
One of the great social work ethics involves self-determination and empowering people to make their own decisions, take care of themselves and allow them to come to their own realizations. Our great American democracy is built on the foundation that all people have the right to be free in speech, religion, assembly and even protest. The men in these terrorists groups are so far removed from themselves that they have lost all sense of reality and perhaps have regressed into such a childlike state that the parent (leader) is always right.
They are not free nor do they fight to be free.
Sometimes a person's social state plays a major role in their falling deeper into the psychology of a cult/terrorist member. Some come from areas in which they have seen those in their families and countries dying of starvation and thirst. There is inadequate medical care, poor schooling and no basic infrastructure on which to build a healthy community. When there is great physical and psychological need there is great risk for people of being seduced into believing there is an easy, often dramatic way out.
In short, these men come to believe in a criminal's psychotic fantasies and then carry them out.
As we understand more and more the make up of such people we can be more aware when we see this behavior in others. If you know someone who may be in a cult or has the characteristics described in this article, it is important to try to get them professional help. A "deprogramming" process of helping the cult/terrorist member slowly and gently see the reality of their situation and then separate from it is the suggested approach. The model of empowerment can help these men learn to trust their judgement so that they are not so easily influenced. They can then regain a sense of what they think, who they are and how to distinguish right from wrong.
It is often hard to state your opinion when the rest of the crowd disagrees. It takes what we call ego strenth to resist peer pressure and not go along with the crowd. This can be difficult in a free society, in a loving group even in a family let alone a cult where the norm is to follow the leader. The roots of being in a cult come from this peer pressure or group think that so many of us work hard at resisting.
Now is the time for all Americans to model healthy behavior by reacting to tragic events with a critical, knowledgeable and individualistic passion for justice.
December 2001
Reference Juergensmeyer, Mark, "Terror in the Mind of God; The Global Rise of Religious Violence" California University Press, 2001. Turner, Frances, "Adult Psychopathology" The Free Press, 1984
John's Journey Through The Gay 90s
By Tina Calabrese, LCSW
Originally published by Heart&Soul Community News April 1999
It was 1990 and I was thirteen years old. Junior High was OK I liked being in a bigger school because I could hide more. I wasn't sure exactly what I was hiding from but I knew I couldn't be found. Dad was gearing up for me to play High School football. I was just trying to pass gym. I liked sports because my dad liked sports and I liked my dad. The truth? I liked to cook. I loved food. Food was my favorite past time. Eating it, cooking it, looking at it. Mom said I was a great cook and that she loved the fact that I could cook a great tuna casserole. Dad liked my pot roast. I wished I could vote. It was 1992 and I liked Clinton. I liked him because he could say a word I couldn't say. And he said it on TV, in the press, to other men and especially to Republicans. Gay. He said the word 'gay.' Mom said that she didn't think any other president ever said it. I was trying to find the right time, the right day, the right mood, the right line, the right food, the right anything.... to come out to my parents. I had a feeling mom would be Ok with it I had heard her talking about a gay friend once. Dad, he was the problem. He was still giving me "space" so I could think about it and realize that I NEEDED to play football. In 1993 the march on Washington happened and I wanted to go so badly. In order to go with my friend Gary I would have to tell my parents. It had been a whole year of contemplating whether or not to tell, how to tell and all the role playing with friends. I was hoping this one Saturday would be the day. I went to the food store the night before to buy dinner to cook for my parents. I went to the 24 hour one after Gary and I had gone out. These guys had followed Gary and I out of the bar. They dragged me past the dumpster to the back of the store. The next thing I remember I was in the dumpster next to a bloody basebal bat. My head had been hit and my top lip was swollen so large it was hard to breathe from my nose. It was so hard to understand why I was so hated....and feared. I watched the march on Washington from my bed. It was wonderful, gay people got married, gay people fought for their civil rights, they hugged and kissed on national TV. For a brief instant I actually felt proud to be a gay man.
It was a cool night in September in 1995 when I cooked my dad's favorite, a pot roast. I told them during dessert. Mom wasn't surprised. She said she felt sad that I had to wait so long to tell them. Dad surprised me. He said he didn't understand it, he didn't like it, he didn't approve of it BUT he loved me more than anything and he would support me no matter what. For a gay child that was incredible! For my 19th birthday in 1996 mom gave me a party and invited all my friends. My dad came later and met everyone. He was really trying. Gary and I broke up and I felt a broken heart for the first time. It was horrible. I couldn' t eat or sleep. I decided to go to therapy and this seemed to help. By the end of the year I had my eye on Bryan who worked for the Human Rights Campaign. He taught me so much about being political and how we had to fight for our rights so that we were not persecuted. I fell in love with him and we decided to live together. I was so happy. In 1997 Ellen Degeneres came out! It was incredible! Everyone was watching her show and really learning about the gay experience! I felt as if homophobia was ending that we were really getting somewhere and that...maybe i didn't have to be so afraid. Bryan said no and that there would be a backlash. I began to see that there was. People were saying that there was too much attention on gays and certain religious groups wwere gaining more power against gay people. Even Clinton stopped saying the word and he did fall short on promises made to the community....twice..each time after he was elected. It was 1998 and I was 21. I felt older and somewhat wiser. Bryan and I were doing well and my father had grown to respect him...and me. I realized that I needed to help in the campaign for civil rights. We still had no protection against being fired for being gay, being thrown out of an apartment for being gay and were certainly could not get married and adopt children. There was still violence against gay men and women and this was many times unreported.
I wanted to fight for our rights! It was a free country!
My parents and I had come a long way. Society too was being less homophobic. I had lived through the gay 90s!
The Human Shadow
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW
A psychoanalyst named Carl Jung who studied with Freud was one of the first to identify the human shadow. The shadow is a part of us that is often hidden. Its like a secret you don't want to tell yourself. There is shame and humiliation about the shadow. The shadow is a reflection of the self that is looked at as dark and negative. Quite often it involves charcteristics that are judged by society. Some of these may be a perceivedgreed, selfishness, cheapness or a general list of things you think badly of. The shadow is the reason we "project" or put onto someone else these negative characteristics. When projection occurs and reoccurs the shadow is forced to remain deeply embedded in our consciousness. This can cause you to scapegoat others or a particular group.
Literature has defined the human shadow through characters. Think of the kind and caring Dr. Jekyll and the deformed Mr. Hyde. Although they are opposite they are the same person.
"Every part of our personality that we do not love will become hostile to us. We could add that it may move to a distant place and begin a revolt against us as well" Robert Bly
If you find yourself pointing the finger at someone consider looking inward and asking yourself if this is the projection of your shadow side. If it is admit it and be compassionate toward yourself. This will help you change and modify your behaviors.
Remember to look at yourself if you are feeling intense anger toward someone. Ask yourself if this person has the characteristics that you dislike in yourself. Then see if you are scapegoating them. If you are then you are feeding the shadow.
As a human being you are not expected to be perfect. Once you know the parts of yourself you don't like you can work toward not being defensive and owning them. Then you can let them go and move on. You may find you become more compassionate and tolerant of others.
