Heart&Soul Counseling has an education number for Heart&Soul Institute. This educational privilege is given by the New York State Office of Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Services. It allows Heart&Soul Institute to offer educational workshops, trainings and publish articles.
If you are a credentialed alcoholism and substance abuse counselor you are entitled to take approved courses offered by Heart&Soul Institute as part of your required recredentialing hours.
The following courses are currently approved:
Drama as a Tool Distance Learning: Community Organizing Herstory Womens Writers Workshop
Contact Heart&Soul or the New York State Office of Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Services for more information.
COMMUNICATION 101
Quite often at our counseling center we help people learn effective ways to talk to each other. Some of the techniques we recommend are as follows:
1.I messages- I messages help to identify feelings and associate these feelings to certain behaviors by the other person.
Here is an example:
When you yell at me I feel hurt/afraid/frustrated. When you read the newspaper when i am talking to you I feel ignored.
2.Active Listening - Active listening is mirroring back to the other person what you see, hear and sense from them. Be careful not to interpret or analyze, just feedback what you see and allow the other person to come to an awareness.
Here is an example:
I saw you look away when you talked about your brother. You seem sad. Are you? I heard your voice get lower when you seemed angry. I saw your lip quiver when you were talking about your grandmother.
3.Fair Fighting - Fair fighting is disagreeing with the other person without shaming, abusing or attacking them, This is often difficult to do because of the emotional content behind unresolved issues. If a fight occurs and you feel an intensity and high emotions it may be best to revisit the fight/argument after attending a session or discussing the emptions with your support system. Many times deeper, older issues get triggered causing the couple to lose sight of who they are really taking to.
Here is an example:
I don't see it the same way. I understand you are entitled to your feelings and thoughts and opinions but I don't have to have the same as you we are different people. I will give you time to tell me all your thoughts and feelings I just ask that you don't yell or attack me with words. If you do I will leave and we'll have to talk about this at another time.
4. Letting Go - Letting go means allowing a process to occur independent of your input. In other words do not act out control issues based in fear and anxiety. Allow the other person to help or fix themselves. If you fix or give the answers you may find that person becoming dependent on you. Instead empower them to find the answers within. Remember sometimes becoming overly involved with helping interferes with healthy communication and healthy boundaries.
How To Have a Healthy Romantic Relationship
When you go to see a movie the projector places the image that was originally stored into the camera onto the screen. This process is similiar to what the mind may do in a romantic reltionship. There are images and memories stored within your mind that may project onto your significant other. When you fall in love the mind remembers old loves especially the early ones that meant so much. Our first loves are our parents so the mind does a trick by transposing those old images onto the new love especially if there is even a slight psychological resemblance which quite often there is. This can cause you to lose sight of your love and only see the parent that may have hurt you or disappointed you in some way. This is especially true if you have unresolved issues from childhood. Quite often the mind will seek out a personality like a parent so that you may heal the wounds or even re enact the original parent/child relationship. This can be more common in early relationships than later ones since the later relationships have the advantage of some healing from the last one. For example a relationship in your twenties may have been more like an original parent/child relationship than the one in your forties.
In order to have a healthy romantic relationship that is long lasting and fulfilling there are some very important practices to keep in mind:
Self Analysis and Self Inventory: Be aware of your issues your defense mechanisms and how your past relationships effect the present one. Explore your reactions, anxieties and boiling points. Kindness: Try your best to treat your love with kindness and sensitivity and resist the impulse to act out your unresolved anger/hurt on her. Communication: Communicate clearly your needs, feelings and desires. Secrets create shame and distance. Use "I messages." For example 'I feel angry when you become silent.' Listen to Feedback: Many times when you allow someone to get that close they can really get to know you. Listen to what they say about you and ask them to separate their projections so that the feedback may helf you learn about your issues. Allow for Conflict and the Difference of Ideas, Perceptions, etc.: Romantic relationships need conflict to help resolve issues and bring the couple to a greater level of emotional intimacy. This does not mean violent or abusive behaviors should be tolerated ever. Nurturance and Independence: Nurture the relationship by spending quality time together doing things both people like to do. allow your partner the space to be independent of you. Dependency or the need for dependency is often destructive to a relationship. Healthy Sexuality: Experiencing your sexuality consistently and pleasurably is an important and necessary part of a romantic relationship.
These practices can be hard work. It takes time and practice. You will not always say or do the right thing but keep at it! The better you know yourself and the more open you are to that knowing may be the key to your success!
