Counseling • Therapy
Education • Community Services
In West Babylon, NY
Tel (631) 321‑7011Texttouch_app(631) 327‑4868
Fax (631) 669‑8532touch_appSend Us Email
Tel (631) 321‑7011Texttouch_app(631) 327‑4868
Fax (631) 669‑8532touch_appSend Us Email
Click any title to view the article
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
I saw my first transgender client in 1995. Soon after that I decided that I wanted to help the trans community and I was accepted into the Harry Benjamin Society. This professional society was later replaced by the World Professional Association for Transgender Health.
Since that time it has been my honor to help this community and grow along with the society in feeling not only pride but admiration for every trans person.
The psychological mind’s eye is the vision we see of ourselves that runs deep into our consciousness from a feeling to a crisp picture that we air brush.
For the transgender, soul and brain are one way and her body the opposite. The resulting experience of depression, frustration and torment are what we in the mental health field call gender dysphoria.
I love working with the transgender population. Not only are they smart, creative and wise but they get happier and happier as therapy goes on. As they begin to transition the dysphoria starts to fade because for the first time in their life their mind’s eye is matching their body.
What a relief!
For the transgender person the experience of emotional pain was normal. The constant state of dysphoria before transition can create suicidal ideation and action. Having to play the role of the opposite gender is one thing but then to develop the genitalia and hormones of the wrong gender makes life excruciatingly difficult.
I often ask family members who come into session with their transgender person to be the opposite gender for one day. They find it very difficult and often impossible.
We all need to match. The mind’s eye needs to see what the physical eye sees in the mirror in order to feel complete and whole.
For family and friends that read this article please remember how vital your love and acceptance is. For your person to choose life she must be who she needs to be and see who she really is.
To see anyone else is to live blind and blind sided to who they really are.
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
One of my heroes, Dr. Harry Benjamin started his medical practice in 1915 in a consulting room in New York City. This room was also his home for a while. As time went on, he moved to San Francisco where later he was one of the first endocrinologists to help the transgender community members transition. This work began in the 1940’s and continued throughout his life. In 1966 he published “The Transsexual Phenomenon.” He helped many people transition with hormone replacement therapy and gender reassignment surgery. He often offered his services for free and sought out the latest research while also conducting his own research. Although he himself was not transgender Dr. Benjamin dedicated his life to helping that community and advocating for them. He lived to be 101. The “Harry Benjamin Foundation” was formed in 1967 and later the “Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association” was formed.
I became a member of the latter organization in 1996. I was proud to be part of an association that used Dr. Harry Benjamin’s name. Today the organization is called the “World Professional Association for Transgender Health.”
Many of my clients and transgender community members are often unable to find an endocrinologist who is educated on the issues, is accepting of them, and takes their insurance. Quite often they need to travel into New York City to see someone. I do not know of one office that specializes in treating and helping this community in our area.
The Medical Paradigm is based on treating the illnesses of the majority. As of this writing, I don’t know of any medical schools that teach a program of study on the transgender experience. I went for my own training in 1995. I trained my staff and brought in workshops for continued training.
Because this does not fit the paradigm, the community is neglected. This needs to stop. I have gotten so angry when I hear that medical professionals ask my clients to teach them about their transgender medical issues. My clients are paying for their services, and they are not informed! Medical and mental health professionals need to seek out their own training, get their own certifications, and think outside the box to help this community.
This is not an illness. Dysphoria is a result of society’s illness. This experience is not the majority. The Medical Paradigm needs to change.
Like Dr. Benjamin, these professionals need to consider their oath and ethical standards and take a stand in their community to support, advocate, and help the transgender people in their areas.
Now more than ever the professional community cannot judge, take sides or claim ignorance when dealing with this community and their friends and family.
They need surgeons, endocrinologists, mental health professionals, nurses, attorneys, and all licensed professionals to know and learn as much as the transgender person knows about their body, their mind, and their spirit.
Now.
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
I began my career as a mental health worker in 1983. My first clients were Vietnam Veterans, DWI mandated clients and LGBTQ clients. Back then there was heart breaking discrimination, oppression and rejection of my LGBTQ clients. Quite often if they came out to their parents they were thrown out onto the street. Churches would not accept them and called them sinners and pedophiles ( later we were to find out that the pedophiles were IN the church at that time!) I tried to help them understand that it was society that was sick and not them and that they were Ok as they were.
Needless to say many of them were taken out of treatment by parents and spouses and sent to " conversion therapy" a forced type of treatment to make them straight again. This never worked but when you are told you are a sinner and your family will leave you if you don't go, you go.
My heart broke for these clients and my colleagues, friends and associates fought hard for LGBTQ rights.
Slowly it began to change here in New York but elsewhere it was still hard and often the community experienced violence and oppression.
In 1994 I created Heart and Soul Community Counseling Center and I promised I would do my best to help the LGBTQ Community. We have been a supporter and an advocate ever since.
As you can imagine I've heard everything horrible that people can do to each other in the past 34 years of practice but Monday morning after the reality of what happened in Orlando set in I wept as hard as I've ever wept. My grief was so deep and profound that I could barely work and I am still crying about it.
I have felt like a nurturer with a strong maternal embrace of this community and now there was murder and hatred and bloodshed and complete horror. My pain is raw and ever lasting.
The LGBTQ community has endured riots, murders, rape, rejection from mothers and fathers and children and have been told they are going to hell all for being LGBTQ. All this and they are some of the most wise, compassionate and sweetest people you will ever meet.
It was the priests, and the coaches and the teachers who were the pedophiles and abusers all along. LGBTQ people just wanted to be accepted, have the same rights and be left alone.
Society has come a long way and the response from the world to this tragedy has been incredibly positive and loving and yet I am left with a broken heart.
I know many of you are as well. ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
When you become romantically involved with someone something strange happens to your mind and heart especially after the infatuation stage which typically lasts about three months. The transference phenomenon occurs. This means your emotional memory of who you loved deeply in your past reappears. This memory is triggered because, in a sense, you are returning to an old feeling of love, intimacy and attachment. Sometimes you can actually fall in love with someone because they remind you, unconsciously, of that prior love attachment. If there is emotional work to do with that person in your past your mind will especially seek out a similar personality.
What does this all mean? Well its means that you have an opportunity in your relationship to heal past wounds. This will only happen if you are aware of your past issues in relationships and you are willing to work them out. We’ve all heard the sayings and comments:
“She married her father.” or “He married his mother.”
Sometimes we are the last to realize this! What is most important to do is to identify the DIFFERENCES between your partner and the past relationships. It is key to separate the past from the present by processing (talking, feeling, thinking) about the prior love and at the same time work towards being that healthy and mature adult in the relationship.
There is a strong tendency when the mind and heart feels that familiar feeling of a prior love to act as you did in that old relationship. By prior love I mean your relationship with a parent, caregiver or old love relationship. The most powerful past relationships are with our parents. Those relationships hold the intensity of emotion since we were children and did not have defense mechanisms to ward off emotional pain.
How to deal with the ghosts:
Remember that the “ghosts” in the bedroom are just that—ghosts—they are not real. There may be an aspect or feature of a past hurt in a relationship but you are not that old self or that child and most likely your partner is not completely like that other person. If your partner is like someone in the past who has hurt you then you will need to evaluate with your therapist if the relationships is healthy or unhealthy for you.
As always remember that you are only human. You will have reactions, judgments and you will make mistakes in your relationship. The most important thing is to remain open to analysis and feedback, to take responsibility for your behavior and to process the past wounds.
It may feel difficult at times but it is worth it! ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
Native Americans respected the elders in their tribe. It was their tradition to see the elders as wise and all knowing and because of that tradition they sought their advice and reassurance when there was conflict. Africans, Asians and Mexicans also respect their elders but in the United States older adults are invisible and sometimes neglected.
In Taiwan people greet older adults with their hands on their heart. In older Japanese towns they still hold parades for people who reach the age of eight eight. Older adults were the story tellers, the sages and the wise ones. Today in America according to the National Center for Elder Abuse between one and two million older adults are abused and only one in fourteen of those cases reach the attention of the authorities.
Why are older adults abused, neglected and not respected? When hiring people don’t we want experience? Isn’t experience the best teacher? One of the reasons may be unresolved issues from childhood. The “King Lear Syndrome” is a phenomenon that occurs when adults act out their rage and resentment toward a parent when they are older and weak. (As the King’s daughters did in King Lear) The heart break of this is that it does not have to be the actual parent it may just be an older adult the person is around or suppose to be helping.
Another reason may be that we live in a society where beauty and popularity means being young. Beauty is seen as one dimensional—skin deep. Older adults are a HUGE resource we neglect. They have wisdom from living through relationship break ups, wars, recessions, natural disasters, the rise and fall of new ideas and years of parenting. While they may be physically beautiful their beauty is also in how they see life and spirit.
Issues from childhood need to be resolved in order to find a comfortable emotional place with a parent. Most of the time when the deep pain is processed the power a parent once had is diminished and a sense of compassion may be found. Besides your own parent you may meet someone who is older. If you listen to them they may have a wealth of wisdom to share. Young people especially can benefit from the sage wisdom of older adults. When you do listen it will be stories they tell. These stories will have meaning and validity for today’s time and age.
I encourage you to SEE older adults. Respect them and talk to them. Keep an eye on their care and if you suspect abuse report it to adult protective services. Teach your children not by your words but by your actions. Develop a friendship with an older adult and listen to their suggestions in front of your child. Thank them for all they have done in their life because they most likely have helped people just by living as long as they have. Use discernment, not all are healthy and wise. But for the ones that are the survivors and the ones that are the lovers give them a parade and celebrate their words of wisdom.
Older adults certainly qualify for the job of life coach. ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
There are many aspects of our society that are linear, black and white, good or bad, perfect or not. At an early age we are socialized to integrate that we should strive to be the best, the greatest, the prettiest, or most handsome. Perfectionism is valued, reinforced and revered. Most of us however are IMPERFECT. We are not the strongest, the smartest or the most handsome. This reality leaves us with feelings of worthlessness and low esteem for just being ourselves.
Perfectionism in an unreality. It is an illusion and not a practical goal. Striving to do your best is good for motivation and skill building but it does not mean you will be perfect. Wanting to be perfect only leaves you with criticism since it is not an attainable goal.
If you find yourself often picking on yourself and others or being critical it may be because you want perfection. Pointing out what you may need from a friend or partner is healthy communication. It is also healthy to ask someone you love to consider changing a part of them that hurts you but remember both you and your loved one are human. Change is difficult and struggle is almost always a part of change. The key point is to allow yourself and your loved one time to grow with the acceptance that both of you will make mistakes. The most important thing is motivation and the acknowledgement that your actions effect those around you.
Strive for awareness, empathy and a sincere desire to be the best person you can be but remember you will not be perfect. You will make mistakes you will wrestle with your emotions and your behaviors.
So welcome your humanity and chill….imperfection is beauty. ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
Sigmund Freud the father of psychoanalysis coined the phrase “the talking cure” to represent psychotherapy. After his years of experience and his close observations he noticed that his patients simply needed to talk without interruption or judgment. This holds true for therapy today. Many problems cannot be fixed and even the wisest of answers doesn’t always soothe pain. Most of the time you will just need to come in and talk about what is going on in your life, what you feel and think and why you are most angry. Afterward you may find you feel better—just by having talked out everything that was in your mind and heart.
We learn early on to find solutions to problems and in the mechanical or computer or even medical world its true that answers and a fix are needed. But in the world of the
human heart and mind fixes cannot make things better in fact they may hurt by making someone feel unheard or not validated. Quit often we hear these phrases:
“He always tells me what to do!”
“She wants to fix me and change me.”
“He doesn’t listen!”
To really help sometimes you need to DO NOTHING and LISTEN. Believe it or not its hard to do. When we care about someone who is in emotional pain or has a serious problem you want to help and just listening doesn’t feel like helping. Its very important to accept that listening is helping more than you will ever know. Think about when you are upset what do you really, really need? It feels comforting just to know that someone was a witness to your pain.
Henry David Thoreau said it takes two people to tell the truth:
“one to tell it and one to listen.” ■
by Stephen Crutchfield, Sr.
It's good to see you again. It's been a long time. We know that, we can say. Been lost a thousand times but I'm glad you say you're home to stay and so sorry for the delay.
Just been traveling from place to place discovering parts of myself long forgotten. I found a memory the other day it made me laugh and made me cry.
It seems true that my life is full of dark and blue with light breaking through. At times I've found myself just grabbing hold of whatever was near.
Thank God it was you. I realize now that you've been there all the while. Shuffling about my dreams so that one day they can come true. You placed obstacles in my way to get my attention then caught me when I fell, well not too hard.
You kept me from breaking bones and now not a dead heart only wounded. So I'm up again feeling bright with you myself in sight just can't explain sometimes why I fight. I'm glad to find you alright. Now I'm altogether with good sight.
I promise never to lose you again for this time I know that God has been the potter in my life. So....
Welcome Home. ■
by Sean K. age 12
The definition of pacifism is non violence. Pacifism is important to me because its an idea that can help people not fight and learn how to get along. I first learned about this idea in therapy and I think it is important because the world would feel safer to me and others without violence.
When I hear about violence in the world I feel like I want to hide somewhere. I feel so bad for people who are innocent victims of violence. When I hear what is going on in wars I feel that our country and other countries are in danger.
Martin Luther King was a leader who told people not to use violence to get what they wanted. I respect him and I wish he was still alive. He inspired people and I think some did listen to him. Gandhi was another example of a leader who practiced non violence. He lead his people to victory with acts of pacifism.
If you want to practice pacifism say no to physical fights and walk away. Try to resolve arguments by making compromises. Try to walk away if you are feeling angry at a person and don't try to get them back even if you feel like it.
Practicing pacifism means understanding people even if they are different. These ideas are alternatives to war and destruction. Leaders of countries can try to resolve differences by talking the problems through, hiring a mediator and arresting people who are causing destruction rather than killing innocent people.
Please consider peaceful ways to both your personal and global problems. You will feel better about yourself and the world if you know you are a part of creating good in the world.
Peace out. ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
Dr. Sigmund Freud was the first to identify that we protect our hearts and minds from anxiety and conflict by certain behaviors that are unconscious or unknown. These behaviors he called defense mechanisms. Just like the physical body has an immune system to protect the body from being harmed the mind creates disguises to help you function even though there is deep fear and pain. The interesting thing is that you are not aware of the disguise many times. The disguise although not who are may become who you think you are. Here you can see why psychotherapy is so important!
Because these behaviors are unconscious we are not aware of them unless someone points them out or if they become a barrier to being close in a relationship. It is important to learn what your defenses are. The goal is not to remove them—would you want to remove your immune system? What is more helpful is to realize when you need them and when you do not. That is the key. In order to grow and evolve you need to allow some of your anxiety and feelings to the surface. Becoming aware of your defenses and when you need them will help you grow and become healthier in relationships.
Lets look at some common defenses that may pop up when you feel threatened, afraid, hurt or traumatized.
Blaming others or projection. This is a way for the mind to deflect uncomfortable negative parts of you onto another. For example you may say a friend of yours is passive aggressive when its really you that are that way but you are not able to admit to that perhaps because of fears of rejection or abandonment.
Intellectualizing. This is when you go to your head and think and reason rather than feel your emotions. This may happen due to a fear of being vulnerable perhaps in your past when you were open and vulnerable you were hurt.
Joking. A common defense to take the focus off the uncomfortable realities that you may need to deal with.
Denial. This happens when the reality of a situation to too hard to bear and you make it untrue.
Displacement. This is when you are angry at your boss but you go home and take it out on your family. Its important to deal directly with who you are upset with.
Rationalization. Finding a legitimate excuse for your unacceptable behaviors.
Sublimation. This is a healthy defense whereby you put anxious energies into art, work or something constructive.
Dissociation. This is a common defense mechanism that results from child abuse and trauma. It is basically the experience of feeling as if you are out of your body. The mind sharply cuts you off and protects you from overwhelming anxiety and emotional pain by literally taking you away. This is why when someone is traumatized that may not fully remember the incident.
Repression. This also occurs from trauma and especially child abuse. The younger you are when the abuse occurs the more you will repress because defense mechanisms are not in place. Repression just means that you store an uncomfortable and painful memory that causes much anxiety into the basement or the attic of your mind. It is as if the memory is in your computer saved somewhere and like often happens you forget it’s there. In psychotherapy as you slowly face you fears the memory may resurface so you can face it and heal from it.
Idealization. This is when you see someone in your life as too great and wonderful. You idealize the person in order to not feel the anxiety of this person being NOT to wonderful. This can happen when you were abused by a parent, priest or professional.
Introjection. This is the experience whereby the anger and/or hatred for someone who hurt you is taken out on yourself. It is the opposite of projection when you put the anger onto someone else. Introjection can cause suicidal feelings and depression.
Identification. This is when you become like someone in your life as a way to protect yourself. Remember it is unconscious so you may not realize that you did become like your mother or father.
Please consider exploring your defense mechanisms in therapy. Everyone has them and everyone uses them. There is no shame in having ways to protect yourself from harm. Try to not be defensive if you are told by someone or your therapist that you have these defense mechanisms.
Remember that it will help you to learn about yourself and how your mind works. When we are told by medical doctors about issues relating to our bodies there is no judgment and it doesn’t reflect on how we feel about ourselves or our self esteem. If you can deal with your mind and your heart in the same way you will learn and grow and you may even be happier in your relationships! ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
February 2009
America is still a young country and like a young child or business it still needs to learn how to prosper while taking care of its people. The past few years have taught us many lessons. Perhaps the biggest lesson has to do with what really lasts in life. You’ve heard the saying “you can’t take it with you,” but what is it you can take?
The memories. The feeling. The moments you treasure. The selflessness of sharing your heart, money and even your life.
The Greek philosopher Socrates started a revolution and a lot of trouble by going around town and asking questions like:
What is courage? What is country? What is love?
He made people think.
You can help America and yourself by analyzing your relationship to money, to others and to your life. Consider learning how to respect, share control and power and most importantly how to hold onto a delicate balance of attachment and non attachment.
Here are some practical ideas to support these philosophies.
Identify strengths and weakness in your relationship to money, others and self care
Ask yourself what it is that makes you happy and feel that you are a good American and person then do that
Take risks start a practice or business, support socially responsible capitalism
Help others emotionally, financially and spiritually
Keep yourself healthy in mind, body and spirit
Consider what makes you proud of America and support that.
Question authority, debate and get involved with political issues.
Remembers our founders were revolutionaries, rebels and passionate thinkers. Their spirit is our foundation. Make them proud. ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
Recent medical studies have shown that the physical heart needs good food like olive oil, fish, nuts and seeds, vegetables, fruits as well as stress reduction, relaxation, exercise, laughter and fun.
As we grow older it is important to pay attention to our bodies and to know what makes it feel good and what doesn’t. When I swim daily eat vegetables and less carbohydrates I feel my best. Try to have more of a consciousness when you are planning meals and even when you are eating. Think about what you are putting into your body and how that might effect it.
Certain foods also can cause emotional distress like candy and sweets that effect your sugar levels.
If you tune into your body you will find what foods are best for you and what aren’t. You may also crave foods that you need at a given time. You may feel like having potatoes if you need potassium or eggs if you need protein. Your body is amazing and if you allow your mind to communicate with it you will be surprised at how well balanced your energy levels are.
We all know how difficult it is at times to take care of ourselves. No one is perfect yet if most of the time you take care of your heart with eating well and exercising you will allow your loved ones many more years with you. Also remember that you are a role model and your children will imitate you no matter what they say they will. You teach them the most through your actions. They will pick up your eating habits and fixations.
Your emotional heart needs care too. Suppressing emotions of hurt, grief and anger can cause depression and panic. Learn how to identify your emotions and share them, write them out and analyze them so that you can let them go.
Identify what emotionally triggers you and what wounds need to be healed from the past. If you do not heal these wounds you carry them around like a bag of sand around your heart. It effects your ability to be close to others and to have a healthy relationship.
Repressed anger especially can cause great emotional distress. If there is unresolved anger from trauma it will cause symptoms of lethargy, apathy and even suicidal thoughts and feelings.
The emotional heart is a powerful force it helps us to feel great love and therefore great pain. It is a part of you that needs attention just like the physical heart and if you neglect it there may be consequences to your physical heart like added stress and tension and even stress related illnesses.
Keeping both your physical and emotional heart healthy is a key to overall health and success in your life. How you treat yourself can be a reflection of how you treat others and the world in general.
The healthy heart pumps blood and gives life. The emotional heart helps you color in your life by feeling love. ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
June 2007
Empathy is the emotional experience of feeling sad, mad or scared along with someone else. It is an identification with another's situation so much so that you care what happens to them. You do not need to have exactly the same experience you only need to relate it to something you went through.
Actors call it method acting. The Russian director Stanislavski called it affective memory. Aristotle spoke of combining pity and fear to create catharsis.
You may not have lived through hurricane Katrina but you may identify when you lost something that felt secure or you may imagine how it feels to lose your home and pet.
To think of the emotional experience of another human being is not only healthy but ethical. We live in a society where personal looks and things matter so much that we can lose a sense of what is really important. What is really important is to think of others and try to help when and if you can.
Not allowing an emotional distance or separation from others allows you to not separate out parts of yourself you may not like.
So empathy is not only good for mental health it is essential for the human race to coexist in a world without violence and hate.
A lack of empathy leads people to hurt others.
If you feel what that other is feeling they become a part of you and its harder to hate them.
Practice empathy and your world may feel more compassionate.
Remember we can do together what we cannot do alone. ■
By mlr
July 2006
The little girl sat slumped on the sun setting stoop,
grateful for the day’s anguishing pain
to be over.
The fervently wished for deliverance
would come with the morrow’s sunrise promise
of smiles,
and laughter,
and love.
The little girl sat on the stoop.
Decades would expire till that now-woman,
having wretched the searing grief
of the sunrise betrayal from her soul;
abandons the stoop -
to set forth into her own
DAWN.
by mlr
September 2006
The question in not the hand-wringing
of 'WHY.'
The 'WHY' is 'HOW' we arrived here.
The inquiry must address,
'How then..........
NOW?'
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
Narcissism is a complex idea. The idea is about being so self absorbed that it is difficult to see, feel or depend on another human being. Our American culture has reinforced narcissism by selling a message that you can have everything you want and that you need to think of yourself first. Capitalism drives a belief that money and things can solve problems, make you happy and get you the best looking partner you can have.
The problem with these current cultural beliefs is that it clashes with reality and with romance and mature relationships. It is important to take care of yourself and have self esteem. It is most important to be assertive and know your needs. It is equally important however to take care of your partner and know their needs and to sometimes think more about them than yourself.
This does not mean sacrificing or abandoning yourself. There is a sense in our society that you can be entitled to have a relationship on your terms and your terms only. There is an idea that a relationship can be expendable that you can just go on to the next person much like "Sex in the City" or a match dot com mentality. There is an illusion that if you are not a completely whole and healthy person that you cannot have a good relationship.
No. Not true.
I do believe in romantic love. Its wonderful if you are in love with the person you choose to spend your life with. As time goes on you may begin to see or feel things about your love that annoy you, are negative or that you wish they would change. You can discuss these issues and point them out but it does not mean your love will change. As long as these issues ARE NOT ABUSIVE or harmful to you, you may need to accept them and grow into liking them as idiosyncrasies.
Another idea that involves narcissism and intimacy is the concept that you can be very independent and still have a close relationship. You don't have to need the other. This is a false concept. A big part of having someone to love is to depend on them and to need them at times. It is not healthy of course to be dependent but it is healthy to rely on and trust that your love will be there for you no matter what.
It is important to have a mutual love bond in which neither you nor your love runs away when times get tough. Healthy relationships include moments when both can be a little child and lean on the other.
When there is not a level of narcissism or withdrawal (emotional or physical) in a relationship the couple can adopt problem solving mechanisms of compromising, improving communication, validation and acceptance of each other’s differences. A good relationship creates an emotional comfort zone so that you can feel free to feel and express without the risk of your love leaving or shaming you. Over time you can feel like you can say or share anything and that your love is also your best friend.
Remember that if you experience an unhealthy or abusive/neglectful relationship with a parent there is a tendency to go back to that to be attracted to that in order to re-experience it and fix it. This doesn't work. Therapy does. Be aware of your choices and mostly of your own behaviors. The mind tends to try to repair itself much like the immune system does. While your love relationship should create an emotional and psychological environment for healing and repair it cannot do all the work and it cannot take all the pressure.
Being compassionate and empathetic toward your love is very important and essential for a long lasting union. To disconnect either emotionally or physically when your love needs you is a clear way to deaden the love bond. If this continues over time and your love begins to expect you not to be there the relationship has basically ended.
Being in love and keeping love takes effort. Just like you take care of your pet, your garden and your children on a daily basis you need to take care of your love. You need to remain special to each other to make each other feel like there is never anyone else you desire or want. Minimize the negative and magnify the positive. Most importantly do not think only of yourself and do not allow yourself to be unloved or have the experience of your partner not being able to receive your love. Stay in the love state as much as you can tolerate. The tragedy is that so many people are unable to be loved and stay with love so they fill up on things, food, unhealthy habits, and having more children, and more gadgets, and more obsessions.
The key to staying in love and having a healthy relationship is to remain emotionally involved with your partner, to see and feel your love, to depend, to affirm, to nurture and to allow in love for yourself.
As my favorite Beatle said, "All You Need Is Love." ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
Ethics: when you do the right thing don’t you feel good?
In Kurt Vonnegout’s new book, man without a country, he talks about the disconnect between moral and ethical practice, politics and the current American culture. Recently there was an uproar over lies in James Frey’s book, one million pieces. Polls show that most Americans are no longer trusting their government’s ability to take care of them especially when it comes to health care.
Telling the truth is part of being ethical along with trying to be a good person. During latency age or puberty moral development begins and we are taught what is right and what is wrong. People who have developed a superego or a moral compass can feel a deep sense of doing the right thing. There are however situations in which there are temptations, motives for revenge and just displaced anger that makes people become unethical.
Its easiest to see this with corporations. We have seen how they have not thought about their employees and have opted for greed. Its harder to see in ourselves and our intimate others. It is important to take an ethical inventory and to evaluate the psychological costs for being unethical. Unethical behaviors can cause depression, anxiety and paranoia. This can ultimately affect physical health and well being.
If you try your best to be a good and honest person you won’t have unnecessary guilt or anger at yourself.
Here are some situations you might find yourself in that may cause you to take an ethical inventory.
A friend tells you something in confidence. A different friend starts talking about that friend and wants to know what she told you. The urge may be to please the friend that is asking the question but the ethical thing is to not break the other friend’s confidence.
Ethical dilemma’s often occur over money as well. Let’s say you ‘re a contractor and you are working for a company that helped train you. A homeowner that you are working for asks you to do another job by yourself so the cost would be lower. The temptation is there to make the money on your own yet this job was through your company and not through your own business. The ethical thing to do would be to tell the homeowner that you cannot do the job on your own.
The manifestations of hate are also unethical.
Reporting a friend for abusing their child is putting the child first and is the ethical thing to do.
Unethical behaviors have a way of eventually showing themselves either by people finding out or by the person’s own guilt causing a reaction.
Think through your actions and reactions in complex situations and make the right decision. ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
Terrorist groups exist because there are people who join them. The people who choose to take part in these organizations are of utmost importance in the study of terrorism. Terrorist cells have been compared to cult groups. Many cults in America have ended in mass suicides, taking their group beliefs tot he final stage of their lives. The main difference between cults and terrorist cells is that terrorists are often homicidal as well as hypnotized by a charismatic, narcissistic leader.
Research and study have found that the person who joins a terrorist group is most likely manipulatable, depressed, dependent and deeply frustrated and unfulfilled. Many have "religionized" politics and found a desperate way out of their harsh day to day realities.
For these men a chance to be part of a mission in the name of God is both appealing and invigorating. Their depression, which often includes feelings of hopelessness, is now transcended into belief in eternal paradise and spiritual approval. This experience can feel irresistible to a depressed person. Depression is responsible for 75% of suicides and we have come to know suicidal depression as a desperate pain; yet it can also be an experience of jubilation and resignation.
The "fix" of the terrorists' mission also alienates them from the reality of a murderous rage. They rationalize killing and scaring others to such an extreme that they ultimately see it as truth. They become so dependent on their leader that an enmeshment of ideology is present and they lose all sense of individuality. They believe it is their destiny to die for their group and their leader and not to fear death because they will be rewarded in the afterlife, paradise.
One of the great social work ethics involves self-determination and empowering people to make their own decisions, take care of themselves and allow them to come to their own realizations. Our great American democracy is built on the foundation that all people have the right to be free in speech, religion, assembly and even protest. The men in these terrorists groups are so far removed from themselves that they have lost all sense of reality and perhaps have regressed into such a childlike state that the parent (leader) is always right.
They are not free nor do they fight to be free.
Sometimes a person's social state plays a major role in their falling deeper into the psychology of a cult/terrorist member. Some come from areas in which they have seen those in their families and countries dying of starvation and thirst. There is inadequate medical care, poor schooling and no basic infrastructure on which to build a healthy community. When there is great physical and psychological need there is great risk for people of being seduced into believing there is an easy, often dramatic way out.
In short, these men come to believe in a criminal’s psychotic fantasies and then carry them out.
As we understand more and more the make up of such people we can be more aware when we see this behavior in others. If you know someone who may be in a cult or has the characteristics described in this article, it is important to try to get them professional help. A "de-programming" process of helping the cult/terrorist member slowly and gently see the reality of their situation and then separate from it is the suggested approach. The model of empowerment can help these men learn to trust their judgment so that they are not so easily influenced. They can then regain a sense of what they think, who they are and how to distinguish right from wrong.
It is often hard to state your opinion when the rest of the crowd disagrees. It takes what we call ego strength to resist peer pressure and not go along with the crowd. This can be difficult in a free society, in a loving group even in a family let alone a cult where the norm is to follow the leader. The roots of being in a cult come from this peer pressure or group think that so many of us work hard at resisting.
Now is the time for all Americans to model healthy behavior by reacting to tragic events with a critical, knowledgeable and individualistic passion for justice. ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
Originally published by Heart & Soul Community News - April 1999
It was 1990 and I was thirteen years old. Junior High was OK I liked being in a bigger school because I could hide more. I wasn't sure exactly what I was hiding from but I knew I couldn't be found. Dad was gearing up for me to play High School football. I was just trying to pass gym. I liked sports because my dad liked sports and I liked my dad. The truth? I liked to cook. I loved food. Food was my favorite past time. Eating it, cooking it, looking at it. Mom said I was a great cook and that she loved the fact that I could cook a great tuna casserole. Dad liked my pot roast.
I wished I could vote. It was 1992 and I liked Clinton. I liked him because he could say a word I couldn't say. And he said it on TV, in the press, to other men and especially to Republicans.
Gay.
He said the word 'gay.'
Mom said that she didn't think any other president ever said it.
I was trying to find the right time, the right day, the right mood, the right line, the right food, the right anything....
to come out to my parents.
I had a feeling mom would be okay with it. I had heard her talking about a gay friend once. Dad, he was the problem. He was still giving me "space" so I could think about it and realize that I NEEDED to play football.
In 1993 the march on Washington happened and I wanted to go so badly. In order to go with my friend Gary I would have to tell my parents. It had been a whole year of contemplating whether or not to tell, how to tell and all the role playing with friends. I was hoping this one Saturday would be the day. I went to the food store the night before to buy dinner to cook for my parents. I went to the 24 hour one after Gary and I had gone out. These guys had followed Gary and I out of the bar. They dragged me past the dumpster to the back of the store. The next thing I remember I was in the dumpster next to a bloody baseball bat. My head had been hit and my top lip was swollen so large it was hard to breathe from my nose.
It was so hard to understand why I was so hated... and feared.
I watched the march on Washington from my bed. It was wonderful, gay people got married, gay people fought for their civil rights, they hugged and kissed on national TV. For a brief instant I actually felt proud to be a gay man.
It was a cool night in September in 1995 when I cooked my dad's favorite, a pot roast. I told them during dessert. Mom wasn't surprised. She said she felt sad that I had to wait so long to tell them. Dad surprised me. He said he didn't understand it, he didn't like it, he didn't approve of it BUT he loved me more than anything and he would support me no matter what. For a gay child that was incredible!
For my 19th birthday in 1996 mom gave me a party and invited all my friends. My dad came later and met everyone. He was really trying. Gary and I broke up and I felt a broken heart for the first time. It was horrible. I couldn' t eat or sleep. I decided to go to therapy and this seemed to help. By the end of the year I had my eye on Bryan who worked for the Human Rights Campaign. He taught me so much about being political and how we had to fight for our rights so that we were not persecuted. I fell in love with him and we decided to live together.
I was so happy.
In 1997 Ellen Degeneres came out! It was incredible! Everyone was watching her show and really learning about the gay experience! I felt as if homophobia was ending that we were really getting somewhere and that...maybe i didn't have to be so afraid. Bryan said no and that there would be a backlash. I began to see that there was. People were saying that there was too much attention on gays and certain religious groups were gaining more power against gay people. Even Clinton stopped saying the word and he did fall short on promises made to the community....twice..each time after he was elected.
It was 1998 and I was 21. I felt older and somewhat wiser. Bryan and I were doing well and my father had grown to respect him...and me. I realized that I needed to help in the campaign for civil rights. We still had no protection against being fired for being gay, being thrown out of an apartment for being gay and were certainly could not get married and adopt children. There was still violence against gay men and women and this was many times unreported.
I wanted to fight for our rights! It was a free country!
My parents and I had come a long way. Society too was being less homophobic.
I had lived through the gay 90s! ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
A psychoanalyst named Carl Jung who studied with Freud was one of the first to identify the human shadow. The shadow is a part of us that is often hidden. Its like a secret you don't want to tell yourself. There is shame and humiliation about the shadow. The shadow is a reflection of the self that is looked at as dark and negative. Quite often it involves charcteristics that are judged by society. Some of these may be a perceived greed, selfishness, cheapness or a general list of things you think badly of.
The shadow is the reason we "project" or put onto someone else these negative characteristics. When projection occurs and re-occurs the shadow is forced to remain deeply embedded in our consciousness. This can cause you to scapegoat others or a particular group.
Literature has defined the human shadow through characters. Think of the kind and caring Dr. Jekyll and the deformed Mr. Hyde. Although they are opposite they are the same person.
"Every part of our personality that we do not love will become hostile to us. We could add that it may move to a distant place and begin a revolt against us as well"
— Robert Bly
If you find yourself pointing the finger at someone consider looking inward and asking yourself if this is the projection of your shadow side. If it is admit it and be compassionate toward yourself. This will help you change and modify your behaviors. Remember to look at yourself if you are feeling intense anger toward someone. Ask yourself if this person has the characteristics that you dislike in yourself. Then see if you are scapegoating them. If you are then you are feeding the shadow.
As a human being you are not expected to be perfect. Once you know the parts of yourself you don't like you can work toward not being defensive and owning them. Then you can let them go and move on. You may find you become more compassionate and tolerant of others. ■
by S. Mitra Kalita - STAFF WRITER
July 16, 2000
FROM THE OUTSIDE, this yellow house resembles its neighbors: flowers along the footpath, a freshly mowed lawn and an unlocked screen door on breezy summer days. Inside, husbands and wives settle divorces and women read aloud stories of abuse, cancer and menopause.
This tree-lined street of colonial homes in West Babylon seems an unlikely place for a nonprofit company, but location has been central to the Heart & Soul Community Counseling Center's mission. Four years ago, when the center moved from Smithtown, executive director Tina Calabrese wanted headquarters to be in a working-class, diverse neighborhood. That way, she reasoned, the center could tackle issues of race, class and gender on both social and psychological levels.
Recently, Heart & Soul has opened its doors to fellow nonprofit groups, such as the Herstory Writers Workshop, a class for women writing their memoirs, and Out in LI, a club for gay and lesbian youth. Heart & Soul's own programming, meanwhile, has expanded to include more group sessions, divorce mediation and couples counseling.
In late 1997, the center hired a nurse practitioner to prescribe psychiatric medication and advise patients on nutrition, exercise and other health issues. "People in the psychological system see you for a few minutes, consult then prescribe," Calabrese explained. "It's overbooked and busy." A nurse practitioner helps keep costs down and can spend time with patients; an hourlong session at the center runs between $80 and $100, compared with an average $250 for a psychiatrist visit, Calabrese said. A visit with a clinical social worker costs about $40 for an individual session and $30 for a group session, although there is a sliding scale based upon family income.
Group therapy helped Betty Meadows, an East Patchogue mother of four, get through a "horrific" divorce and custody battle three years ago. She said she found peace of mind at Heart & Soul. "It's like a community, not just a counseling place," she said.
To combat the stigma associated with seeking psychological treatment, Calabrese and her staff have decorated the center to resemble a home. Pillows adorn couches and futons. Plants and flowers line windowsills and fill corners. A fish swims in a tank in Calabrese's office, while her Yorkshire terrier, Sergio, often roams the hallways.
That's not enough to lure some Long Islanders.
"Working-class, middle-class people don't want to go to a clinic, and they can't spend hundreds of dollars to see a therapist," said Calabrese. The center tries to attract this middle group dealing with divorce, abuse and depression, among other issues staff members say are common in suburbs such as Long Island. Many city and local businesses list Heart & Soul under their Employee Assistance Programs. The problem, Calabrese said, is that companies often pay for just a few visits. "We have to just get someone started and then say, 'Your company won't pay for any more sessions,'" Calabrese said. You wouldn't tell someone with cancer, you only get this much chemotherapy. In the long run, people are staying sick."
Heart & Soul's $123,000 operating budget comes from patient fees and insurance reimbursement, with few grants or funding, Calabrese said. Except Calabrese, the six-person staff works part time, she said. Heart & Soul accepts a number of insurance plans. But staff members say there are plenty of exceptions made, albeit at a loss to the center.
Mary A. Zingale, a social worker who works with adolescent girls, can't bear to tell one of her poorer clients to go elsewhere. "Continuity of treatment is so important," said Zingale.
Counselors say they try to be more than just social workers and therapists. Zingale adds job placement to her duties, scouring newspaper articles and advertisements for openings. People with mental health problems feel more productive and healthy if they are working, she said.
Counseling centers are increasingly running themselves as a business, Calabrese said. She repeatedly referred to "customers" instead of clients and patients. "That's so customers feel like they have power... which many have not had in their lives," she said.
The center also employs "psychodrama," where therapy groups perform scenes from one another's life. Psychodrama forces the client to confront a situation as reality, Calabrese said.
Confronting reality has not been easy, said Peter Bourque Jr., a 27-year-old Farmingville resident who is one of the 50 clients who walk through Heart & Soul's doors every week. Psychodrama, he said, "gives you the ability to step outside and have insight. It's finding out who you are."
With a rocky home life and an undiagnosed learning disability, Bourque said he turned to self-destructive habits to "kill the pain." Today, he lives in a newly purchased apartment with his wife of one year, studies nursing at Suffolk Community College and encourages people to seek help more often. "I hear so many guys, guys just like myself, are struggling," he said. "People are learning to share their feelings more, but I don't think a lot of people know how to handle that." ■
by Tina Calabrese, LCSW-R, CASAC
Imagine a very good friend talking to you about how excited they are about a new organization they are involved in. He is very excited and appears happier then you've seen him in a long time. He wants you to come and see what its like and join along. You don't want to disappoint him and you've been feeling lonely anyway. In fact your girlfriend just recently broke up with you and you've been looking for something to do.
Now add the fact that you are in your twenties, a time of great pressure, stress and performance anxiety. You've been isolating lately, drinking too much and haven't been able to settle in with a job or career. You need something and someone to believe in and give you answers. You especially need someone to DO IT FOR YOU. That is, give you a life rather then you go through the agony of creating one.
You get hooked. Once in you all dress the same, have your own special language, symbols and begin to admire a very seductive, passionate and smart leader. You feel accepted, wanted, encouraged, defended and you now feel a sense of purpose you have never felt before. You become aligned with what the group thinks and believes. This is called "group think" in psychological terms. Once when a group member had a different opinion from the leader he yelled at the member and cast her away. You learned not to have a different idea or opinion. You take part in group prayers and songs and philosophies. You learn NOT TO THINK. You learn NOT TO QUESTION. You abandon critical thinking and creative urges. You repress sexuality, ideas, anger and everything that makes you uniquely 23.
This is the experience of cultism and its happened for centuries because the human mind is susceptible to this experience at certain ages and times in life. The horror of this phenomena is that you can literally lose your mind in a cult. Someone who is not a killer can become one. A cult member may not see their leader as a sociopath.
What you can do:
The degree to which a group and/or organization is rigid and controlling about their ideas and philosophies as well as the morality of its leader makes it more of a cult. For example an extremist group may demand a member severe ties with family and friends. This creates a dependency on them. They will also demand the member obey their rules, work hard and long for them often exhausting the new member especially. The group makes it psychologically unbearable to leave and offers the idea of immortality and hope.
People that are especially vulnerable to joining a cult are those who have had a major life change, those who feel disillusioned, lonely, socially anxious and those who have difficulties having relationships.
Remember we are social animals we need each other. Dr. John G. Clark Jr. a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical school has treated past cult members. He found that many are from middle to upper class families, more male then female and have an average age of nineteen and a half. Some personality traits he found them to have include intelligence, perfectionist, they often fail at relationships, and blame others. Remember no certain profile or type indicates whether or not someone will join a cult. I believe it may be more connected to a moment in someone's life where there is an opening for a cult to take hold.
The cult offers someone the seduction of getting a reward or a prize for being with them and obeying them. It offers, many times, a simple answer or understanding to hard questions or abstract life situations. For example if a family is putting pressure on a young adult to join the family business the cult has the definite answer and solution of a "NO" and a different plan already set, defined and done. This person no longer has to make that life decision.
Quite often cult recruiters go to bus stations, facebook, twitter, campuses and social media groups to find people who may be lost or in crisis.
Once in the cult a psychological crisis is manufactured using repetitive actions, sleep deprivation and group ecstatic activities.
Research has shown that there are changes to the brain when someone is in a cult. By keeping cult members fatigued, deprived of protein, sexuality, humor and sleep along with having them do repeated and monotonous often rhythmical behaviors they induce psychophysiological changes in the brain.
Dr. Clark coined the term "cult-conversion syndrome. "
"The unending personalized attention given to recruits ( new cult members) during the conversion process (initial joining) experience works to overload the prospect's information-processing capacity. This has another important function: the induction of trance like states. Cult leaders then exploit the recruit's suggestibility."
You know yourself when your mind feels weary or overloaded you are not at your strongest. Cult leaders know how to manipulate the mind and as Dr. Clark says this can cause actually changes to the brain. To help get someone back there is a process of deprogramming. This treatment needs to include family and friends to help the person begin to slowly see reality and let go of beliefs they adopted that ultimately do not serve them and/or others. By having family and friends tell them how they were missed and how they are loved, unconditionally, this can help them reverse the affects of the cult leader and take back control of their lives.
For anyone who has known or worked with someone who was in a cult this process of coming back is not easy. This is why I ask you if you notice someone you care about going in that direction please try to stop them before it gets to bad. ■
